It's not as it seems
by JosephineMichelleC
Summary: One mistake and you can lose everything. Katniss Everdeen made one mistake and she lost the one person that meant everything to her. She has her friends, but everyone else thinks she's a slut. She knows that she's not, but the words cuts like razors in her. Can she gain the trust of the one she lost, even though she battles her inner demons?
1. Prologue

_Prologue_

Have you ever made a mistake? A mistake you thought was harmless but turned out to be a disaster?

Well I have. I have and I couldn't feel worse about it. I hate myself for what I did, and for what I let happen. I tried to stop it but I couldn't. I'm weak, and now I've lost the one person that means the most to me.

I can't undo my mistake, and I can't change the past, I know I can't, but I would gladly do that. If I could.

If I could, I would go back to that day, I would make a different choice and I would not be in the situation I am in right now.

Everyone knows _a_ story, but no one knows the _right_ story, no one but me. Everyone thinks they know me, but they don't. They don't know me at all. They think they know what's true, but they're wrong. They're _so_ wrong.

I made a decision, and now I have to live with what happened. It was my fault and I regret it so much. But what can I do? Nothing.

If you want to know what happened, and _why_ it happened, I suggest that you keep on reading.

My name is Katniss Everdeen, please help me!

* * *

 **Short prologue but it's the start.**

 **I hope that you will keep reading the book and I hope that you will like it.**

 **Feel free to leave reviews, thanks.**

 **-Josephine**


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

 _Katniss_

I take a few short breaths. Not long enough to give my lungs the air they need. I put the razor onto the skin of my wrist. Tears are dropping down beside the razor. I cut. I cry. Not because of the razor but because of the pain I feel inside. I place the razor again, on the same spot. It stings worse but that's the point. To concentrate on the physical pain and not the mental pain. I had promised myself to never do this. I said I would never hurt myself. But one time I just held the razor and somehow I just cut, and it felt good, it helped me. I gave in. And ever since I've been cutting. I don't even care anymore. It helps me.

The blood flows out from the cut and drips down in the sink. The water is on and the blood colors the water red. I make another cut and another. I'm about to put the razor to my skin again when I hear a knock on the door, followed by a voice. "Katniss, are you okay?"

My little sister, Primrose. "Yeah Prim, why wouldn't I be?" I ask, trying to sound normal even though I have a lump in my throat and tears flowing down my eyes.

"You've been in there a long time now, we have to get to school", she says.

Oh fuck. I forgot for a moment. I'm not even dressed yet. I'm lucky I took my makeup bag with me in here. That's where I keep the razor. My cutting razor, not shaving razor. I dry my wrist with a paper towel. "Yeah I'll be out soon Prim, go down and eat breakfast", I tell her

"Okay, but aren't you going to eat breakfast", she asks carefully.

"Nah I'm not hungry sweetheart", I say.

I hear her walk away and I sigh. If she only knew what I do in here. What I do almost every night and what I do some mornings, like this one, when I've had an extra horrible nightmare. She would never look at me the same way. She would be disappointed and she would lose respect for me. My innocent little sister.

When the blood has stopped I blow some air at it. It stings. I blow again. It stings a little less. I wash the razor from my blood and wash the sink. I turn off the water to let the red water flow down without refilling. I apply some makeup, not too much and not too little. Just simply enough. Not that the makeup makes my appearance any better. I look hideous no matter how much makeup I apply on my face.

 _Oh well, what can I do_? I take my makeup bag and open the door. I look around before I slip out through the door, and run into my room. I shut the door and put my makeup bag on my bed.

I walk towards my walk-in-closet to choose clothes for today. I open the door to the closet and walk in. I look through my close and finally decide for a pair of green shorts and an orange long sleeved crop top and a pair of green converse. The crop top is short enough for the warmth outside and the sleeves are long enough to cover my scars. I want to fit in with everyone else.

I walk back out to my room and brush through my hair. I let it fall down in waves over my shoulders and back. I drag my fingers through my smooth dark hair. I take my school bag and heaves it over my shoulder. I open the door to my room and walk out. I walk into the kitchen where Prim is sitting by the table, finishing her breakfast. Mom is standing by the kitchen island and our stepfather Kyle is sitting by the table with Prim, reading the newspaper.

"Good morning", I say.

"Good morning Katniss", Kyle says.

"Prim if you want me to take you to school, you'll have to hurry up", I say.

"Okay I'm done", she says and walks up to the dish washer with her bowl and glass.

I walk out to the hall and open the door. I walk out to my car and sit in it. I turn on the engine and wait for Prim to come. After about two minutes she walks out of the house and closes the door behind her. She runs up to my car with her two braids flying behind her.

I drive off the driveway and drive towards school. The middle school is only a minute away from my high school with the car but it's five minutes walking distance. I drive in to the middle school parking lot. She jumps out, says goodbye and runs towards the entrance of her school.

I drive towards my school. I find a spot. When I've turned off the engine I take my bag and open the door. I'm filled with distress. When I walk on the parking lot towards the big entrance, I hear how people are whispering behind my back.

I sigh. They always whisper. They never stop and I have to live with that. I hate it. It feels like it's never going to stop. Like it's going to go on and on forever. When I walk into school I head towards my locker.

The whispers are everywhere, and when I listen I can hear what they say.

 _"Slut"._

 _"Whore"._

 _"Bitch"._

 _"Skank"._

And a lot more. But usually I just try not to listen. If I would'd listened to the whispers everyday, I'm not sure I could handle being in school. I walk up to my locker. I unlock it and take out my math book. First period is math and second is English.

I look at my phone. Two minute before I'm late. I close my locker and run as fast as I can towards my classroom. Oh I just hope I don't get there late.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 _Katniss_

I arrive to the classroom right on time. I hurry into the classroom passing the teacher who just was about to close the door. I dump my book on the seat beside my friend Annie. I sigh as I sit down. "What happened to you?" She asks.

"Prim was a bit slow this morning", I lie.

Usually I'm a bad liar, but now when I'm panting it doesn't really sound like a lie. Annie nods and looks ahead at the teacher. After the class is over I walk with Annie towards our next class. Outside the classroom we meet our friends. "Hey Peeta", I say.

He nods. No smile. No hug. No small laugh. No joke. No nothing. Just a simple, short nod. "Hello", he says.

We used to be the best of friends. Then I did one mistake and I lost him forever. He can be around me, but he doesn't look at me the same way, he just... _Accepts_ my presence. I can't blame him though, I made a huge mistake, and now I have to pay for it.

"Hello ms Kitty-Cat", Finnick says and bows before me.

"Finnick you're silly", I say.

"I know", he laughs before kissing Annie, his girlfriend.

Finnick is like a brother to me, he means so much, and if he had also turned his back on me like Peeta, I don't know what I would've done. I don't blame Peeta for turning his back on me, if I could, I would turn my back on me too, but unfortunately I have to live with myself. And I do not like that.

"Sweetie are you okay?" Madge asks.

"What?" I ask looking at her.

Everyone are looking at me, I can feel their eyes on me. Well beside Peeta's.

"You just kind of zoned out there for a while", Madge says.

"Yeah are you okay?" Annie asks.

"I'm okay", I lie.

They know I'm lying. But just as they're about to say something, our teacher comes and their words remains unspoken.

* * *

After school the girls comes with me to pick up Prim. They've been behaving odd. Annie sits by the wheel because she said that she felt like driving. So I take the passenger seat beside her and Madge sits in the back seat.

Prim stands outside the entrance with Ali, Annie's little sister. Prim opens the door and they jump in beside Madge.

"Hey Madge", Prim says happily. "Hey Katniss, Annie".

"Hey girls", Annie says.

Ali and Prim looks at each other and giggles. Madge clears her throat and gives them a glance I can't read. Okay what is happening? Why are they all behaving so odd? I shake my head and looks out of the window. They're crazy. But they are the only once who still treats me with respect, them and Finnick, so I love them even though they are crazy. And I like that they are crazy.

"Can we stop to eat?" Ali asks. "I'm hungry".

"I'm hungry too", Prim says.

"Sure, where do you want to eat?" I ask, looking at them.

"Hmmm..." They say starting to think.

"Burger King?" Ali asks Prim.

I hold back a sigh. All this junk food makes me crazy. Oh well, they're twelve.

"Yeah!" Prim shouts.

Annie giggles and drive towards a Burger King. Once the girls got their burgers, they're happy. Annie start to drive to somewhere I don't know. _Where the hell is this girl driving my car?_ "Annie where are you going?" I ask.

"Oh just... Nowhere", she shrugs.

"Somewhere", I argue.

"No", she says.

"Annie!"

"We're here", Madge says.

I look out of the window. We're in front of a building. "And where is 'here' exactly?" I ask.

"They're filming America's Got Talent", Prim says excited.

Oh _hell_ no!

"You didn't!" I hiss horrified.

"We did!" They all shout happily.

"Prepare yourself to knock the judges out of their chairs with your voice!" Madge says.

"Because you my friend, got talent", Annie says.

Oh I think I'm gonna throw up.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

 _Katniss_

I walk out on the stage. I feel like I'm about to throw up or something. I don't have stage fright or anything like that, but this is going to air in whole North America and other countries. Oh I don't feel too well. I keep a steady grip onto the microphone, almost clinging on it like it's all I have.

I stop when I come up to the middle of the stage. They're all staring at me. The judges. I recognize them all. I haven't missed one episode of America's Got talent. Howie Mandel, Howard Stern, Melanie Brown and Heidi Klum. They're all looking at me with gentle eyes.

"Hello young lady, what's your name?" Howie asks me kindly.

I take a deep breath. "Katniss Everdeen", I say in a shaky voice.

"You seem nervous", Howard points out.

"I'm not nervous, just, surprised I guess, my friends tricked me here today", I admit.

"Aah, so you have to be good?" Heidi says.

"No not really", I say. "I'm going to sing".

"Okay so let's see what you've got", Melanie says encouraging.

I take a deep breath and the music starts. I close my eyes, takes a deep breath and then open my eyes. I look behind the cameras, out over the audience.

 _"Spend all your time waiting_  
 _For that second chance,_  
 _For a break that would make it okay._

 _There's always some reason_  
 _To feel not good enough,_  
 _And it's hard, at the end of the day._

 _I need some distraction,_  
 _Oh, beautiful release._  
 _Memories seep from my veins"._

Silent tears starts to flow from my eyes.

 _"And maybe empty,_  
 _Oh, and weightless, and maybe_  
 _I'll find some peace tonight._

 _In the arms of the angel,_  
 _Fly away from here,_  
 _From this dark, cold hotel room,_  
 _And the endlessness that you fear._  
 _You are pulled from the wreckage,_  
 _Of your silent reverie._  
 _You're in the arms of the angel,_  
 _May you find some comfort here"._

My tears continues to flow, but my voice is just as stead as when I first started the song.

 _"So tired of the straight line,_  
 _And everywhere you turn,_  
 _There's vultures and thieves at your back._

 _The storm keeps on twisting._  
 _Keep on building the lies_  
 _That you make up for all that you lack"._

I feel how my hands are shaking. I glance at the judges and see that they all are moved by my singing, Melanie and Heidi are crying. Howie and Howard are trying not to cry.

 _"It don't make no difference,_  
 _Escape one last time._  
 _It's easier to believe in this sweet madness,_  
 _Oh, this glorious sadness,_  
 _That brings me to my knees._

 _In the arms of the angel,_  
 _Fly away from here,_  
 _From this dark, cold hotel room,_  
 _And the endlessness that you fear._  
 _You are pulled from the wreckage,_  
 _Of your silent reverie._  
 _You're in the arms of the angel,_  
 _May you find some comfort here._

 _You're in the arms of the angel,_  
 _May you find some comfort here"._

I finish the song and finally allow a sob escape my mouth. Everyone in the whole room are standing up applauding. They are going wild. It looks like they are trying to break their hands. A lot of them are crying. I close my eyes and open them again.

I take a deep breath.

"I have one question, how dare you say that you're not good? You're _overly_ amazing", Howard says.

I let out a small laugh and more tears break loose from my eyes.

"Something horrible has happened to you", Melanie says, and it's not a question, it's a statement. "Something really horrible, and now I don't know what it is, but stay strong Katniss, a brighter day is waiting for the right moment to come".

I look away as I brush the tears away with my right hand.

"Okay let's vote", Heidi says with a lump in her throat.

"Howie?"

"Of course".

"Howard?"

"Well I think that voting is wasteless, of course!" He says.

"Melanie?"

"Absolutely".

"Katniss Everdeen, you've got four yes", Heidi says. "Congratulations".

"Thank you so much", I say before running off the stage.

I run straight into Annie's arms and I feel someone take the microphone from my hand. Annie holds me tight in her arms.

"You were so amazing Katniss", Madge says.

"But Katniss... What happened?" Prim asks.

I haven't told anyone. And I will never tell them. I'm too ashamed of what happened.

"I can't tell you!" I say and break loose from Annie. "I can't!"

"Okay okay", Annie says. "You can't, but one day when you can, please tell us, we will be here waiting".

I nod. But I know that the day will never come. I can't tell them, I just can't.

* * *

 **So the song Katniss is singing in this chapter is, Angel by Sarah McLachlan**


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

 _Katniss_

They won't air the show on the TV for months, so the girls and I decided not to tell anyone but to let them see for themselves. They start airing it the weeks before the live performances starts. So I'm going to be one of them, since they voted me to be in the next round.

Annie drove me and Prim home. Now I'm lying in my bed, looking up at the ceiling, thinking of how much my life sucks. How it sucks to be me. And that's actually true. I can barely look myself in the mirror nowadays. Whenever I see myself, I see what I did and what happened, and how it was all my fault. And I'm so ashamed.

I look at my arm, I'm holding a paper towel against it. I take it away, grinning badly because of the pain. The paper towel had gotten stuck in the newly opened wound. I did it the minute I came through the door to my room. No one knows that I cut. And no one will ever know it either. It's not that I'm ashamed over it, but I'm not happy over it either. I just don't know what else to do. I don't want the others to be concerned.

It won't stop bleeding. So I hold the paper towel back down over the wound and rest my arm and hand over my stomach again. I sigh. I wish my life didn't suck this badly. I have bad thoughts. Really, really bad thoughts. Thoughts about what would be the easiest way to die. To end my life. I'm scared to think these thoughts, but somehow it's calming as well. To know that I can end all this misery. What do I have to live for? The only thing I can think about is Prim. But she has my mother and Kyle. And she has Ali. She could manage without me. It's _me_ who wouldn't be able to manage without _her_.

I keep my eyes closed hard, one single tear leave the corner of my right eye, and flows down on my pillow. I do have Annie. I have Finnick. My brother, in everything but DNA. But they have each other. And Madge has Gale. Peeta... He doesn't even care. He hates me and wouldn't care if I left the earth. And he has every girl in the school. Maybe I would do everyone I know a favor if I died. Yeah I think so.

My phone beeps. I leave the paper towel on my arm as I reach for my phone, which I put on my nightstand.

Finnick has started a group chat.

Finnick ㈳4: _Guys, my parents left with my brother to go see our grandparents, house empty!_ ㇴ1

Gale ㈅5: _Cool! Party!_

Madge ㈍9: _Sleepover? I think I can make Mason give me some of his alcohol! What do you use your older brothers for if not that?_ ㈳4㈳4㈳4㈇7

Annie ㈵6: _We don't have to get drunk you know_ ㈳4

Madge ㈍9: _I know, but it's fun._

Me: _Ugh do I have to come?_

Annie ㈵6: Yes!

Peeta ㈵0㈶9: _I don't want to..._

Finnick ㈳4: _But you have to!_

Gale ㈅5: _Yeah and I'm coming to get you just to make sure!_

Me: _Well I'm not gonna drink._

Madge ㈍9: _So you say now_ ㈴7

Ugh. I put down the light on my phone. But then I press the home button to look at my wallpaper. It's Peeta and I, one summer ago. Peeta is smiling so big and I'm looking at him smiling as well. The photo was taken about four months before everything fell apart between us. I have this photo as my wallpaper because I want to remind myself of what was. That my life was good once, and that it hasn't always been this crappy and sucky. That I actually was happy once.

I put my phone back onto my nightstand. I swing my feet off my bed and sit at the edge. I take away the paper towel from my arm and see it has finally stopped bleeding. I walk to my closet to pick out an outfit. I choose a pair of soft orange short shorts, and a green long sleeved crop top.

I always wear long sleeved shirts and crop tops nowadays of course. I can't risk anyone seeing my wounds. I don't care so much about my scars, because I can put makeup over them to hide them. I can't put makeup on the open wounds though so, long sleeve it is.

I pack my bag and take my sleeping bag. I take my sun glasses and put them onto my head. I take my keys and my phone and put them into my bag. I walk out of my room. When I've walked down the stairs I meet Prim as she walk out of the kitchen with a lollipop stuck inside her mouth. "Where are you going?" She asks looking at my green sleeping bag.

"The others are forcing me to a sleepover at Finnick's", I sigh.

"Good", Prim laughs.

"Not good", I say.

"Yes good!", Prim says. "Ali is coming over soon anyways".

"I'll see you tomorrow little duck", I say.

She nods and walks into the living room. I sigh and walk to the door. I put on my flip flops before opening the door. The sun hit my eyes and I flip down my sunglasses over my eyes.

It's not a long way to walk over to Finnick, so I leave my car at home. I want to walk. I have to calm myself down before coming to Finnick. I still feel the urge to cut, but now I can't.

It takes me about fifteen minutes to arrive at Finnick's house. I don't even bother to knock on the door or press the doorbell. I just open the door and walk in. I see that everyone are already there.

"There you are!" Annie says. "I almost thought that we would have to go and get you".

"I walked that's all", I say as I slide my sunglasses back up on my head.

"Aah" Madge says.

Peeta is sitting in the couch, looking at his phone. Madge walks in to the kitchen with a plastic bag. I can hear glass bottles in it. I don't feel totally calmed down yet. I dump my things on the floor and go sit beside Peeta in the couch. "Hey", I say.

"Hi", he mumbles distant, as he locks his phone and the quickly slides it down his jeans pocket.

We sit here awkwardly. It was _never_ awkward between us before. Nowadays it's _always_ awkward. And I hate it.

"How are you?" I ask, trying to make conversation.

"Fine", Peeta says short, fiddling with his nails.

The awkwardness is making me really nervous. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I want to fix things between us, but I think they may be broken forever. "Peeta I..." I start but Finnick interrupts me by announcing that the games can begin.

Ugh.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

 _Katniss_

I wake up and feel something in my hand. I blink a couple of times before I get my clear sight back. I slowly turn my head into the pillow to look down at my right hand. My hand is holding another hand. A big rough one. I immediately assume that it's Finnick's hand, because I was sad last night and he's my brother and he tried to comfort me, although I wouldn't tell him what I was sad about. But when I turn my hand to look up at Finnick, I see that it's not Finnick. It's Peeta. Peeta's big warm hand is the one holding my smaller hand.

I quickly pull my hand away. How did that even happen? I pull down the zip of my sleeping bag and stand up. I walk into the kitchen and grab bottle of water from the fridge. I've been here uncountable times, so I know where everything is.

I sit down on one of the high chairs and lay my arms onto the kitchen island. I feel like I'm safe now when the others are asleep and it's 6:30 in the morning. So what I do next is to pull up the sleeve of my slashed arm. I take a toothpick and start to scratch in one of the wounds. It hurts, but it's good. The physical pain takes away my mental pain. The blood starts dripping down onto the kitchen island, but it doesn't matter, I'll have time to clean it all up. _Or so I thought._ "Katniss what are you doing?" I hear the sleepy voice of Finnick Odair as he walks into the kitchen. _Shit!_ I try to hide my bloody arm with my other hand, but it doesn't work. When Finnick gets close enough his eyes widen up in horror. "Katniss..." He whisper breathless.

"Finnick I swear to god, if you tell anyone, _anyone_ , I will never speak to you ever again, for as long as I live", I say, as I snatch a paper towel to cover up my arm. I cover up the bloody wound and make it stay still by putting two of my hair bands over. I slowly pull down the sleeve over the paper towel. I grab another one to dry up the blood.

"Why...?" He asks looking at my arm.

"Okay look... Finnick I..." I start as I stand up to go and throw the paper towel in the trash. I walk up to Finnick. "You know that I've been pretty down lately and I guess there a reason for that", but I'm not gonna tell him the reason for that. "I don't wanna tell you, I'm not ready to tell anyone, but it was really horrible, the thing that happened to me".

He looks at me. "I promise not to tell of you promise that you won't do that again", he mumbles.

I take Finnick's hand. "Finn, I can't make a promise like that, doing what I do is the only way to deal with what happened", I say.

"Then I..." He starts but I stop him.

"That would just be cruel, and you don't wanna see you little sister suffer more do you?" I ask, looking at him with sad puppy eyes.

Now I really hit a weak spot. We always use to joke about how I'm Finnick's little sister, since he's born in February and I'm born in May. "Why do you make me commit to this kind of promise when it jeopardizes your _health_?" He asks.

"They wouldn't understand Finn, no one would, you don't, that's why you asked me that question", I say, but I know that what I said just now, is not true. I know that the only reason he asks me, is because he cares about me and he's concerned. I can see it in his green eyes. Concern. So much of it. I can't believe I put my brother in this position. I take Finnick's other hand. "Finnick please", I beg.

He wrap his arms around me and pull me in for a warm brotherly hug. I lean my head onto his chest and hug him back. "I can't stand the thought of knowing you hurt yourself Katniss", he says.

"I'm sorry", I say and hate myself even more. I pull away from the hug. "But promise me", I say.

He takes deep breath as he close his eyes. "I promise", he says almost so loud that I can't hear him.

"Pinky promise?" I ask wanting to seal the promise.

I hold up my small pinky finger. "Katniss..." He says unsure because he knows you can't break a pinky promise ever.

"Please..." I plead looking him deep into his green eyes.

He sighs and closes his eyes again. He hooks his big pinky finger with my small one. "Pinky promise", he says but I can hear on his voice how he doesn't want to make this promise.

"Thank you", I say and take his hand again.

Annie comes walking in with ruffled hair. She yawns big. "Hey what are you talking about?" She asks tired.

"Gale's birthday that's coming up", Finnick says.

"Ah", she says, and kisses Finnick.

He kisses her back. "Annie", he says. "Please promise me that nothing will ever happen to you".

She looks at him funny and frowns.

"What honey?" She asks and I look at Finnick.

What the _hell_ is he doing? He pinky promised me! "Yeah I had a very bad nightmare, and I... I lost you and I... It felt so real", he says, and I breathe out, calming myself. "So please promise me that nothing will happen to you".

"Finnick nothing will happen to me", Annie says. "Sweetie it's not like you to be this anxious".

Oh god she's right. It's not. What if the others notice it as well? Oh it's just my dream, and one of my friends did hurt himself", Finnick continues.

"I'm sure he wouldn't want you to tell us about him", I interfere.

Annie nods seriously. "Yah, if you mean what I think, it's very serious and horrible, I feel sorry for him", Annie says sadly. "And I don't think you should tell anyone what you know".

I nod in agreement. If only Annie knew that _I'm_ the friend.

"Hey guys!" The others has woken up now.

The rest of the group comes walking into the kitchen.

"Peeta, food!" Madge says.

"Why do _I_ always end up cooking?" Peeta argues, pulling his hand through who ruffled hair.

I look at him. He's so cute. His hair is even more messed up than normal now when he has just woken up. He has a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. I can see his arm muscles. His legs... Ugh this sucks. I wanna touch him. Tell him how much I care about him.

"Because your food is awesome!" Gale says. "And it's my birthday soon and I want cheese buns and soon Peeta food".

Peeta raises his eyebrow. "So it's your birthday soon, everytime you guys force me to all of the sleepovers?" He asks.

"Maybe so", Gale nods.

Peeta signs and shakes his head. He walks over to the oven. When he walked by me, I could swear I felt some of his cologne, and it makes my knees weak. I could also see his back muscles. If he only knew how much I love him. But he _hates_ me. I feel like hurting myself again, but there's no way I can do that with the whole group here.

After Peeta cooked, we all sit down to eat. I look at the cheese buns in front of me. I haven't had one of Peeta's cheese buns since our friendship broke.

I reach out my hand and grab one. I look at it before I sigh and take a bite of it. _Oh. My. God._ I forgot how insanely good they are. Suddenly it's not in my hand anymore, it's all in my mouth.

Madge laughs at me. "You might wanna take it easy there Kat", she says.

I look at the others and everyone is looking at me, smiling like dorks. Everyone but two. Finnick is only smirking. He still hasn't gotten over this morning, and the other one is Peeta. Who's looking at me with an raised eyebrow.

I look away. It hurts too much. I fight the tears in my eyes and continue to eat. Minimal with food.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

 _Katniss_

Finnick has been avoiding to look me in the eyes this past week. I try to make eye contact with him, but he just refuses. It feels harder now than ever before. I don't want Finnick to take distance from me. He's all I have left. I have Annie and Madge, yeah, but it's not the same thing. Finnick is my brother in everything but DNA. It feels like he's going to turn his back on me like Peeta did, but for a different reason than Peeta. This is all too hard. I feel like I almost can't do this anymore. The thoughts are now back. Those evil thoughts. But they seem much more welcoming now than before.

"Katniss sweetie how are you?" Annie asks, putting a hand onto my arm. "And don't say you're okay, we can all see it's not true".

I look around and see them all looking at me. I look at Finnick and once again he turn his eyes away when I try to make eye contact. "I..." I don't really know what to say. "Fine! Fine, I'm not okay! So you can all just stop asking me, because recently I've never been okay, and I probably never will be! I... I can't do this anymore!" I run away from them. I can't do this anymore. I have to get away from everyone. I run out of the school and out to my car. When I'm inside my car I let the tears out. I can't do this, and I don't _want_ to either.

I turn on the engine of my car and drive home. No one is home yet. Mom is on her job at the hospital, Kyle is on his work, whatever that is, and Prim is in school.

When I come home I run up to my room. I toss my bag on the floor and sit down on the floor beneath my bed. I sit on my hands, not wanting to cut, but needing to so badly. I lean my head on the bed, trying to think of something else. Anything else. That can get my mind off of cutting. I don't want to cut, but I have to.

Suddenly I stand up and sit by my desk. I take up my writing block, and my green pen. I start writing.

 _"Dear Primrose, mother and Kyle,_

 _I'm sorry for what you are going to see if you walk into my bed room, which I think you will after reading this letter._

 _You know what happened to me and you know how much I've struggled with it. What you don't know is that I've been cutting. Everyday since that day. I've been good at hiding it. I'm sorry I hid it from you, but I felt like I didn't have a choice._

 _Everyday has been a struggle for me, and I've come to this point that I'm going to admit that I can't handle it anymore. It's too hard for me._

 _I'm sorry I'm giving up on myself, but I feel like I don't have a choice. What other option do I have? To go around and feel all these horrible things I feel, everyday? I'd rather not feel this useless, disgusting, hopeless, ugly, meaningless and so full of shame._

 _I feel shame for what happened, like it was all my fault. Which it was and I regret myself so much. But I can't make what happened undone, I couldn't even stop when it happened._

 _I just want you to know how much I love all three of you._

 _Mom, I know I put you through a hard time when you came back from your depression. I only did that because I was afraid of losing you all over again. I wanted to make sure that never happened. I love you very much mommy, and I know it wasn't your fault that you went into a depression after dad died. I know now when I have been depressed for so long that you couldn't do anything to stop it. So I'm so sorry and I love you so much._

 _Kyle, when you first came into our lives I despited you, I hated you, which I was happy to let you know. I weren't fair to you. As time went by, I realized that you weren't trying to replace my father, I knew that you wanted to be there for me as a friend and as an adult I could trust, an extra father. I love you too, I know I haven't told you that before but it's true, I do love you and I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance right from the start._

 _Prim, you've always been my little duck, at a time you were the only one I knew I loved so much. We've really had our fun together, and I'm sorry I have to leave you now. I would've wanted to see you grow up, but not like this. Not like the way I'm feeling. I want you to continue with your life, I want you to follow your dream of being a doctor and help people. Never ever, forget how much I love you my little duck. Quack._

 _Yours always,_

 _Katniss._

 _PS: The other letter is for Finnick and the others, please make sure to give it to them"._

I fold the letter and put it on the side, then I start writing the next letter.

 _"Dear Finnick, Annie, Madge, Gale and Peeta,_

 _You probably got this letter from either Prim, my mother or Kyle, and I'm sorry I had to write this._

 _I'm probably already gone when you read this, and maybe you already know that I'm gone. And for that I'm sorry. But I couldn't live anymore. Not with all the bad things I feel about myself._

 _If you go to my funeral, don't think about me as the sad depressed suicidal girl you were friends with. Think of me as the person I once was, the happy girl, think of me as the girl who liked to joke, who was playful, energetic, the girl you became friends with the first day in school._

 _I'm really sorry that I had to leave you, but you don't understand, I haven't told you, nor will I do that. You'll just have to trust me when I say that what happened was very horrible._

 _Annie, my sweet Annie you've always stood by me, no matter what and I'm so glad that I had you as my best friend. You kept me going until now, otherwise I would've been gone a long time ago. I love you so much Annie and I hope you'll never forget me. And please tell Finnick that it wasn't his fault that I'm gone. I know he'll blame himself but don't let him do that._

 _Madge, my funny Madge, don't cry, I don't want you to cry over me, I'm not worth your tears, you have to save your tears for something special. I'm sorry I can't be here to tell you to go out with Gale anymore, so I'm gonna tell you one last time, go out with Gale! I love you Madge and I don't want you to forget me._

 _Gale, my crazy Gale, don't be upset please, you shouldn't be upset, you should be happy and just move forward. And you should move forward with Madge. We both know you like her so get over yourself and ask her out already! And don't be sad because I can't be here and nag on you anymore. I love you Gale, you're always going to be one of my best friends._

 _Finnick, my brother Finnick, I know I put you in a really hard situation and I'm so angry at myself for that. But I didn't know you were going to walk in on me while doing what I did. I was stupid, and I'm so sorry. I love you so much Finnick, you're the brother I never got, and I hope you know how much you mean to me. Please take care of Annie for me, don't let anything bad happen to her and please don't feel guilt for what I did and because I'm gone. It's not your fault so please don't feel like it. I love you Finnick, you'll always be my brother._

 _Peeta, I don't know what I'm allowed to call you anymore, but if it was last summer, I would call you my sweet goofy beloved Peeta. I know you hate me, and that this won't even matter to you. But we were best friends once, for a lot of years, can you just forget that so easily? I know why you hate me but you have to understand that I never wanted to hurt you. You meant so much to me and still mean so much to me. Whenever I'm around you I feel dead inside because I can't talk to you and because of how awkward it is. Is it me? Please find in your heart to forgive me. Because no matter how much you hate me I'll always care about you so much._

 _You guys I'm sorry to leave you like this. Leave without saying goodbye. But if I had, you would've stopped me._

 _I'm saying goodbye here instead._

 _Goodbye guys, please don't forgive me._

 _With love_

 _Your Katniss"._

Tears are spilling over the letter. I put the pen down. My hand is all shaky. I walk out of my room and down to the kitchen. I put the letters on the kitchen island, the second letter under the first one. I've marked the letters, on the first one it says: "Primrose, mom and Kyle", and in the second one it says: "Annie, Madge, Gale, Finnick and Peeta".

I walk back up to my room. I don't lock it. I walk up to my desk drawer and take out my jar of sleeping pills. I got the sleeping pills from my doctor, since I have a really hard time sleep sometimes. I'm suppose to take one, when I can't sleep. But a lot can kill me. I open the jar and and pour half of it into my mouth. I swallow them hard because my throat isn't big enough. I walk around inside my room for a while. I hope Prim isn't the one fining me. Not mom either. It would be best if Kyle found me. I feel how it starts spinning. But I keep walking. I keep the jar in my hand. When my hand lets go of it, without me allowing it, I know I'll fall soon after. It starts spinning in my head. The jar falls to the floor and I follow soon after. And the world of darkness surrounds me.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

 _Finnick_

I've been avoiding Katniss a lot. It's not because I don't care about her anymore. She's the sister I never got. It's just, I don't know how to protect her, and that makes me feel useless. I want to be able to protect my sister. But I can't. And knowing that she hurts herself and I can't stop her or tell anyone is really hard. Why didn't I just stay in my sleeping bag that morning? I woke up and saw that Katniss green sleeping bag was empty and went looking for her. Why did I do that? If I hadn't, I wouldn't know and everything would be just as it was before.

We're standing outside the classroom. Katniss is looking bad. She's pale and she has a hurt expression on her face. Everyone are now looking at her, it looks like she could faint at any second. I feel that Peeta's body is tense beside me.

"Katniss sweetie how are you?" Annie asks, putting a hand on Katniss arm.

Katniss looks around at us. She has notice how we're all watching her. She tries to make eye contact with me. I look away, I just can't look her into her eyes, I can't because I'm too ashamed that I can't help her. "I..." Katniss looks desperate and Peeta tense even more. Then her expression changes, she get an expression of giving up. "Fine! Fine, I'm not okay! So you can all just stop asking me, because recently I've never been okay, and I probably never will be! I... I can't do this anymore!"

She turns around and runs away. Peeta takes a few steps to follow her but I take a hold of his arm. "Dude you haven't talked to her for months, I don't think you should follow _now_ ", I say.

"I..." He sighs. "You're right".

I know Peeta that hurts, but I think he's been pretty unfair to Katniss. It's not like he told her how he feels and that she knew about it.

I see that Annie has tears flowing down her eyes. I pull her into my arms and keep her close. "I wish we could do something to help her", she says.

"I know", I say. "Me too".

"Does anyone know what happened to her?" Madge asks, sounding desperate. "I only know that she broke up with Timmy, but she would never let it effect her this way, there has to be something else".

Madge is right. Before Katniss got all depressed, she was this happy and strong girl. She would never let anything like a breakup effect her this way. I know, I'm her brother. Okay not exactly but yeah I am, in everything but DNA. I know Katniss. I know her _too_ well.

"We'll talk to her after school", Gale says. "I'm sure she just went home to get away from us".

Maybe our questions finally became too many. I hope she doesn't think I hate her or something for avoiding eye contact with her. I just don't know what to say to her. I don't want to make her angry or upset. I want to help her, but it's hard when I don't know what happened to her.

The teacher comes and opens the door. We all walk in. We take our seats and look at Katniss empty place. "Where's ms Everdeen?" The teacher asks. "Didn't I see her this morning".

"Katniss felt sick, so she went home", I say.

The teacher nods.

I don't feel like sitting here when I can be on my way over to Katniss right now. To see how she's feeling. I think I know what she's doing now though. I think she's doing what she did in my kitchen that morning. I can't even say what she did. I can't say it. It's too awful. _Cut_. I think without letting myself think it. She's probably sitting in her room, cutting. Shit. I have to stop her. What am I going to do? How am I going to stop her?

When class is over it's time for last period. As we walk out of the classroom my phone starts ringing. I take it up from my jeans pocket. "Primmy", it says on the display. I frown looking at it. She usually never call me this time in the afternoon. She knows we're in school. She always finishes before us on Wednesdays. Like two hours before us.

"What's wrong?" Annie asks. The others had gathered around me.

"It's Prim", I mumble.

"That's odd", Madge says.

"Well answer it, can't keep little duck waiting", Annie says.

I answer the phone. "Prim", I say.

"FINNICK! OMG YOU HAVE TO COME TO THE HOSPITAL", she roars in my ear and I jerk. I can hear that she's crying.

"Wait Prim hold up! Are you hurt?" I ask. "I can't understand when you're screaming like that sweetie".

The others looks at me with alarmed eyes when I asked Prim if she's hurt. "No I'm not hurt! It's not _me_ , I'm at the hospital with Kyle!" She shouts. "We came home and found this letter in the kitchen... It's Katniss... We found her in her bedroom, she ... She tried to kill herself!"

I hang up the phone and feel how my stomach turns inside out. I run to the nearest trashcan and actually throws up. I throw up as tears flow down my eyes.

"Finnick! What happened? Are you sick?" Annie asks horrified.

I straighten myself. I take up my water bottle and clean my mouth as I throw the water into the trashcan. I take up a piece of gum. My tears continues to flow. "We have to go to the hospital now", I say. "Prim said ... She ... Katniss ... She ... Prim said ... She tried to commit suicide".

"No, Prim must be mistaken", Madge says.

"She wasn't, you should've heard her voice", I say.

"So why are we still standing here?" Gale asks. "Let's go!"

We all run out of the school and to our cars. We drive ourselves to the hospital. We rush into the building and up to the reception.

"Katniss Everdeen!" I shout.

"Wait room number three", she says.

We run through the hospital and reach waiting room number three. Prim and Kyle are standing there. Prim is sitting in Kyle's lap, crying against his shirt.

"Finnick!" Prim shouts as she sees me.

She jumps down form Kyle and runs up to me. She crashes against me and I put my arms around her.

"What happened?" Madge asks, sitting beside Kyle, who's red and swollen around his eyes.

"I picked up Prim and drove her home as I always do on Wednesdays", Kyle starts. "We came into the kitchen as saw these letters, we opened one and read it, a suicide note, we ran up to Katniss room and there she was, lying on the floor with pills all around her, her sleeping pills".

I didn't even know she had sleeping pills. Why has she been keeping so many secrets? We're her best friends, I'm her _brother_!

"Where's mrs Everdeen?" Peeta asks.

"Mrs Adams", Prim corrects him, with a slightly annoyed voice.

Peeta looks at her. And I look down at the little girl in my arms. She's angry at Peeta. But why?

"What have...?" Peeta starts.

"You done?" Prim asks. "Ignoring Katniss. Do you know how sad she's been over that? You were her best friend and you turned your back at her, even in a time when she needed you the most you wouldn't forgive her".

I look at Peeta. Prim is not angry often, but when she is, she has her reasons. Good once.

"We don't even know what happened, she didn't want to tell us", Peeta says.

"It's not that hard to understand it was something horrible, and I've been pretending to not know when I've been around you because I don't even want to think about it", Prim says pressing her face into my stomach.

I get really scared. What the hell happened?!

"And their mother is the doctor taking care of Katniss", Kyle says.

Oh. That can't be easy for her. I know she went into a depression before. What if that happens again? What if Katniss dies. I will not be able to live with myself. I should've gone home to her during the class like I wanted to.

After about half an hour, Mrs Everdeen or Adams or whatever comes up to us. "How is she mommy?" Prim asks.

"I um... We stomach pumped her, she'd gotten a lot of those pills into her system, we almost lost her but now she's in a coma instead", Katniss mother says with tears flowing down her eyes. "And we don't know if she's going to wake up, it's up to her, if she wants to come back or not".

"But", Prim says. "She _wanted_ to die".

Yeah, how is she suppose to wake up now? This day is the worst of my entire life. My sister tried to commit suicide and ended up in a coma. Now it's up to her to come back.

Katniss why? _Why?_


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

 _Finnick_

Katniss has been in the coma for three weeks now. We're starting to loose hope. Our parents are forcing us to go to school, but right after we come back here. Peeta's been really down. He says he's so full of regret.

Kyle is going home with Prim now, after another whole day at the hospital. He's carrying her in his arms, she's sleeping with her head on his shoulder. "Oh before I go", Kyle says, as he's remembering something. He pick something up from the back pocket of his jeans. "Katniss left this for you, her suicide note for you guys, we wanted to give it to you earlier but I figured that if she woke up, she wouldn't be so happy if you read it", he says handing me a latter. "But now it seems like she's..."

"Thank you", I interrupt, takinbg the letter in my hand, not wanting to hear the last thing he has to say.

He nods and walks out of the room, with the sleeping Prim.

"What does the note say?" Gale asks.

"Does it look like I've opened it?" I ask looking at him. He shrugs his shoulders. I open the letter. It's really Katniss handwriting. There are spots all over the letter. Tears. Katniss was crying while writing this. "She was crying while writing this", I mumble as I sit down in a chair.

I look at Katniss who's lying in the bed. A wire from her mouth, and a wire into her skin. A beeping machine beside her, showing us her heartbeat. It physically hurts to see Katniss like this.

"How do you know?" Madge asks looking at me.

"There are spots on the letter", I say.

"Read it out loud Finn", Annie says.

I nod. "Okay", I say. I look at the letter. At the small words written in Katniss handwriting. I take a deep breath before I start reading. " _Dear Finnick, Annie, Madge, Gale and Peeta,_

 _You probably got this letter from either Prim, my mother or Kyle, and I'm sorry I had to write this", I start, and I already feel my voice getting thick. "I'm probably already gone when you read this, and maybe you already know that I'm gone. And for that I'm sorry. But I couldn't live anymore. Not with all the bad things I feel about myself_ ". I hate this. I don't want to read anymore, but I have to. Maybe we can get some answers from it. " _If you go to my funeral, don't think about me as the sad depressed suicidal girl you were friends with. Think of me as the person I once was, the happy girl, think of me as the girl who liked to joke, who was playful, energetic, the girl you became friends with the first day in school_ ". I remember the first day in school. We all met. It was friendship at the first sight of each other. We all just connected so quickly. And Katniss is right. She always did use to joke and be happy and laugh a lot. She was very energetic and playful. She always was the one seeing positive things in everything bad. I look at the others. Gale and Madge are standing by the end of Katniss bed, looking at her, but now they look at me. Annie is standing beside me, we're on the right side of Katniss, and Peeta is standing on the left side of her. I don't like that she wrote about her funeral like it was something she knew was going to happen. That it's something she has been planning. The knot in my stomach is growing bigger and bigger and my throat is getting drier. But I continue to read. " _I'm really sorry that I had to leave you, but you don't understand, I haven't told you, nor will I do that. You'll just have to trust me when I say that what happened was very horrible_ ", I read and pause. So we won't know what happened to her?

"What the hell happened?" Madge asks. "If she had told us, we could've helped her".

"Maybe she didn't know that", Gale says with a poisonous look at Peeta.

"I don't think we should start blaming each other", I say. Peeta looks down at his feet. "Should I continue?" I ask. They all nod, so I do. " _Annie, my sweet Annie you've always stood by me, no matter what and I'm so glad that I had you as my best friend. You kept me going until now, otherwise I would've been gone a long time ago. I love you so much Annie and I hope you'll never forget me. And please tell Finnick that it wasn't his fault that I'm gone. I know he'll blame himself but don't let him do that_ ", I read. I look at Annie. She has tears running down her cheeks. Katniss knows me too well. And I'll stand by that it's my fault. I should've tried harder to understand what happened to Katniss. I continue to read. " _Madge, my funny Madge, don't cry, I don't want you to cry over me, I'm not worth your tears, you have to save your tears tears for something special. I'm sorry I can't be here to tell you to go out with Gale anymore, so I'm gonna tell you one last time, go out with Gale! I love you Madge and I don't want you to forget me_ ", I read and look at Madge. Madge also has tears running down her cheeks. But she's red as well. Katniss just outed her in the letter, revealing that Madge likes Gale. I look back down at the letter and continue to read. " _Gale, my crazy Gale, don't be upset please, you shouldn't be upset, you should be happy and just move forward. And you should move forward with Madge. We both know you like her so get over yourself and ask her out already! And don't be sad because I can't be here and nag on you anymore. I love you Gale, you're always going to be one of my best friends_ ". I should've seen that coming. If she outs Madge, then she'll definitely outs Gale. She's right though. They like each other but hasn't done anything about it. Tears are dripping down Gale's eyes. We've been crying a lot these past weeks, but we don't really care. Our best friend may not ever wake up. I continue reading. " _Finnick, my brother Finnick, I know I put you in a really hard situation and I'm so angry at myself for that. But I didn't know you were going to walk in on me while doing what I did. I was stupid, and I'm so sorry. I love you so much Finnick, you're the brother I never got, and I hope you know how much you mean to me. Please take care of Annie for me, don't let anything bad happen to her and please don't feel guilt for what I did and because I'm gone. It's not your fault so please don't feel like it. I love you Finnick, you'll always be my brother_ ".

"You're not gone yet Katniss", I whimper with tears flowing down my eyes.

Annie puts her hands on my shoulders. "What did you catch her doing?" She asks.

I bite my lip. "I promised her not to tell", I say and first now noticing that Katniss is wearing a long sleeved hospital shirt.

"Finnick, she's in a coma after trying to _kill_ herself!" Madge shouts, she's finally had enough. "Secret time between the two of you is _over_!"

Maybe she's right. "Alright", I say. "It was the morning after our sleepover. I woke up and noticed that Katniss wasn't lying in her sleeping bag, I got up to look for her and I found her in the kitchen, she... She was scratching a wound on her arm with a tooth pick".

"What wound?" Annie asks, but the tone of her voice makes me realize that she suspects what kind of wound.

"A wound she cut, she's been cutting", I say.

Peeta pulls up her sleeve. They all gasp at the sight of Katniss arm.

"How did we not see this?" Gale asks.

"Because she's been wearing long sleeves, and she's been very careful", I say. "When I caught her she made me promise not to tell anyone, she made me pinky swear, but I wanted to tell your guys, I swear".

"Wait a minute..." Annie says. "That's what I walked in on you two talking about? It was not about Gale's birthday?"

"No", I say.

"That's why you were all worried and shaken up", she says. "You didn't have a nightmare, you lied, and the friend you were talking about was Katniss, a _she_ not a _he_! Her!"

"Baby I'm sorry", I plead looking at her. "She used my weak spot, calling herself my little sister and I couldn't let her down".

Annie sighs.

"I guess", she says.

I shake my head and wipe away some of the tears with the back of my hand, before I continue to read out loud. " _Peeta, I don't know what I'm allowed to call you anymore, but if it was last summer, I would call you my sweet goofy beloved Peeta. I know you hate me, and that this won't even matter to you. But we were best friends once, for a lot of years, can you just forget that so easily? I know why you hate me but you have to understand that I never wanted to hurt you. You meant so much to me and still mean so much to me. Whenever I'm around you I feel dead inside because I can't talk to you and how awkward it is. Is it me? Please find in your heart to forgive me. Because no matter how much you hate me I'll always care about you so much_ ", I read. Peeta has been quiet the whole day. But now I can hear him sob. I look up at him and sees how he's having some kind of battle inside his head. He has he's eyes closed hard. I'm actually feeling sorry for him. He didn't have to do that to Katniss but anyone can see how much he truly cares about her. I just look down at the letter again to read the last of it. " _You guys I'm sorry to leave you like this. Leave without saying goodbye. But if I had, you would've stopped me_. I _'m saying goodbye here instead._

 _Goodbye guys, please don't forget me._

 _With love_

 _Your Katniss_ ".

Of course we would've stopped her! I know she obviously went through something horrible, but why not tell us about it? We're her best friends, I'm her brother for crying out loud!

I stand up and walk around in the room. I stop and look at Katniss. "Why? Why Katniss? Why did you do this? I don't care what you have to say! You could've told us, don't you know how much we care about you?" I almost shout, as if I'm expecting her to answer me, which she's obviously not going to do, since she's in a coma. "Even Peeta!" I look at him. "Couldn't you at least have said something to her that made her realize that you don't hate her?" I ask him. I know I said not to blame each other but this just came out of me. "Couldn't you have said something, just _something_ kind to her? Or anything at all? You know it wasn't her fault!"

Peeta looks ashamed and he should be. I feel bad for him but the truth is that he's in love with Katniss. When she started dating Timmy he was so hurt that he stopped talking to her. It's not like it was her fault. He could've told Katniss how he felt. Katniss didn't even know why he started to ignore her. At first she was just so confused and didn't understand anything. Later on she started to accept it and became so sad. I don't know when she went from sad to depressed and suicidal. "I know", Peeta says.

I just shake my head. I can't be here any longer. "Whatever, what's done is done", I say. "And what Katniss did is also done, now it's up to her to fix it if she wants to, but now I'm starting to get it, what does she have to come back to? Judgement? You, her best friend ignoring her again? I guess the only thing we have left now is hope!" And with that I leave the room and the door slams shut behind me.


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

 _Katniss_

" _You can't_!" Finnick says.

" _We have to, she's not going to wake up_ ", I hear the voice of my mother. " _The machines are the only thing that's keeping her here_ ".

" _It's only been three months_ ", Annie says. " _Give her some time_ ".

Where am I? It's dark. I'm trying to open my eyes. But I can't. I've been hearing things. A lot of thing. Why am I hearing anything at all? Why am I not dead?

" _The thing is that we only counted for two months if she would ever wake up_ ", I hear my mother's voice. Am I asleep? If I am, why do I hear voices? " _And as you say, it's been three months_ ".

I try open my eyes. It almost works.

" _Don't touch that machine_!" I hear the voice of Peeta, I think.

What machine? What are they talking about? I hear some running.

" _You can't_!" I hear Finnick yell. " _I can't lose her, we can't lose her_!"

" _Finnick, we already lost her, keeping her here like this would be cruel_ ", I hear my mothers sad teary voice say. " _Do you think I want to do this? Katniss is my baby girl_ ".

Mommy? MOMMY! Mommy where are you? I can't see you! Mommy? I'm so confused. What's happening? I try again to open my eyes. It's hard, I can't. I want to see everyone. I want to see where I am. Why am I not dead? Why does it feel like my chest isn't going up and down? I feel like air is coming into my lungs, but I'm not breathing it in. It feels strange. I hear a strange beeping sound. What's that?

" _Please don't_ ", Annie cries.

Annie never cries.

" _I can't watch this_ ", I hear Madge say. " _It feels like we're killing her_ ".

You're not killing me. I killed myself. Or I think I did. Or I thought I did. Now I'm not so sure anymore.

" _Mommy please don't do this_ ", Prim begs.

Oh my little duck, I just want to hold her in my arms.

" _Come here honey_ ", I hear Kyle say and I assume he carries her up.

Oh Primmy. I want to give her a hug. I try to open my eyes again. I can't. Why can't I open my damn eyes? All I see and feel is darkness. Cold. What can I do?

" _If you don't want to be here you have to go out now_ ", my mother says.

" _I abandoned her once, I'm not gonna do that again_ ", I hear Peeta's voice say. I feel a strange feeling somewhere. I think it's my hand but I can't tell. It might be my foot. But why would anyone want to touch my foot?

I don't want to see this darkness. I don't want to feel this cold.

I want to go home. I. Want. To. Go. Home.

The beeping sound stops. For a minute I feel numb. I can't feel anything. I can't feel air coming into my lungs. It feels like I'm choking.

I hear sobs. Crying. I don't want anyone to cry.

I want to go home now. I try to breathe, it feels like my trachea is stiched together. I try again and again. I suddenly feel air slowly starting to come into my lungs. I try to open my eyes. I try so hard to open them, and this time with success. I manage to open my eyes.

The light hits my eyes. Everything is white. I see blurry things move around. I make a sound. I don't even know what sound that is. God.

"Was that you Peeta?" I hear Gale ask.

"What?" Peeta asks sobbing.

"Who made the sound?"

"What sound?"

"Someone made a sound", Gale says.

"No there wasn't a sound", Finnick says in a dead voice.

"Yes there was!" Gale says but I can hear that he's starting to doubt it himself.

I make another sound. It doesn't even sound human. How do I even manage to make this sound?

"Wait, now I heard it too", Annie says.

"See I'm not crazy!" Gale says.

Now I can see clear. My eyes has gotten used to the light and all the white. The blurry things that were moving around before is my friends and family. They haven't noticed that my eyes are open. "No Gale, you're not crazy, you're just a big goofball", I smile weakly.

"Shut up Katniss, can't you see we're grieving you're death... _KATNISS_!" Gale bursts out last part.

"Oh my god!" Finnick shouts and runs up to my side and takes my hand. "Oh my god Katniss you're awake!"

"Katniss oh my god", Annie says.

"We thought we lost you forever", Madge cries.

Prim runs up on my bed and hugs me as she cries against my stomach. "Why did you do this Katniss? Don't you know how much we love you?" She asks.

Kyle is stroking my hair. My mom is looking at me like I'm a ghost. "Mommy? Mommy I'm so sorry for doing this to you", I say looking at her with pleading eyes.

"Oh baby don't ever do this again", she cries as she embraces me in a warm hug.

I haven't called her mommy since dad died. That must be why she's crying so much. After a while Prim falls asleep in my arms. I look at my innocent little sister. Why did I do this to her? She's too young for this.

"She wasn't the one who..." I start but Kyle interrupts me.

"Yes she was", Kyle says. "After we read your letter she ran up to your room before I could stop her". Prim was the one who found me. Ugh I forgot about the letters. "When I reached your room she was sitting on top of your legs, shaking you, begging you to wake up", Kyle continues. I hug my sleeping sister. I hate myself for doing this to her. Kyle carries up Prim in his arms. "I better get home", He says and I nod. "Don't ever do this to us again, Katniss. Oh, and I love you too sweetheart".

Kyle kisses my forehead before walking out of the room. I smile. I remember writing that I love Kyle in the letter.

"I better go and fill out some form, I'm gonna let you and your friends talk", mom says and hugs me again. "I love you so much Katniss, don't ever do this again".

"I love you too mommy", I say and she sobs when I say mommy.

When mom left I look at my friends. They look like they haven't had a good night sleep for a very long time.

"How long have..." I don't get to finish.

"You've been in a coma for three months", Madge says sitting down by my feet.

Annie sits down beside Madge. She takes my hand.

"I still can't understand", she says with tears flowing down her eyes. "Why?"

"In the letter..." I start.

"You didn't tell us why", Gale says. "You said that you wouldn't tell us".

I take a deep breath. I think now that maybe I should the them. I haven't been fair to them.

I close my eyes.

"If I tell you, you'll see me so different", I say and feel how I start to shake.

"No we're not Katniss", Finnick says and take my other hand.

I look at Finnick. He's face is firm. I look at Annie and Madge. Their faces are firm. I look at Gale who nods in agreement with a firm face. I look at Peeta who's frowning.

"And what about you huh?" I ask. "If I tell this, will you continue to turn your back towards me?"

"Katniss..." Peeta starts, but he interrupts himself. "No".

I look at him. I look him into his crystal clear blue eyes. Not a single doubt in them. I swallow hard. "It happened about two months after Timmy and I started dating", I start and I can see that they all are listening intently at me. "Timmy started to change. I figured it was nothing to care about so I didn't think a lot about it. Then one day I was at his place, he's parents were out. He wanted to do stuff. I didn't, it didn't feel right. But he'd started to touch me in way I didn't like. I told him that I had to go home. But it was too late. He's friend came. He and Timmy they... I tried to resist, I promise, I tried to fight back. They beat me, they beat me so hard, and they... They raped me. They took turns, and they ... They did horrible things. Horrible, horrible things, they said they were experiencing, they... Their cocks weren't the only thing that hurt my inside. And while doing what they did... They taped it, laughed, and when I cried and begged for them to stop they only hurt me more and more. When they were finished I were barely conscious, I only know that they took me and dumped me somewhere. An old woman found me, called an ambulance, the hospital called mom and Kyle, I had to tell the hospital about what had happened, I fell in and out of consciousness, I was severely injured. That's why I was away from school and didn't want to meet anyone for that month, if you remember".

When I'm done I realize how much I'm crying and shaking. Annie and Madge has buried their faces into their hands. Finnick is starting at me. It looks like he has a hard time breathing. Gale is looking like life itself is a joke. I avoid looking at Peeta.

Madge is crying violently. "Katniss, oh god no", she cries.

"Oh my god, oh my god Katniss", Annie cries. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, why didn't you tell us?"

"Because it was my fault! It was, I dressed inappropriate, I basically challenged him", I say. "And I started to date him, if I hadn't it wouldn't have happened, I put myself in that position. I'm disgusted about myself, everytime I see myself in the mirror I see this disgusting girl that did a horrible thing to herself. It was all my fault".

"No!" Everyone of them shouts, making me jerk.

"Don't ever say that Katniss", Finnick says with tears streaming down his eyes. "It wasn't your fault, it was those awful human beings. You're not responsible for what happened".

"Yes I am! You don't understand! If I only would have had sex with him from the start it wouldn't have happened!" I say. "But I didn't want to, I didn't love him, I didn't even like him, I wasn't attracted to him at _all_!"

"So why did you date him?" Gale asks.

I fall silent. "That doesn't matter", I say. "I'm just a slut who got what she deserved".

"Don't _ever_ say that again!" Peeta says and I look at him.

"Why do you even care? It's not like you've been here for me!" I say.

"I'm sorry", he says. He does something I never thought he would do again. And what he does is that he wraps his arms around me and pulls me to his warm body, surrounding me with warmth, holding me close to him.

I put my head onto his chest. Peeta hasn't given me a hug since last summer. I've missed his warm hugs. I close my eyes. I'm gonna admit this to myself. I only started to date Timmy because I wanted to make Peeta jealous. It totally backfired because he'd asked me not to date Timmy. He said he wasn't a good person. That's how I know I got want I deserved. I didn't listen to Peeta.

"Why would you think we would see you differently?" Finnick asks and I sit up straight.

"Because I'm disgusting", I say. "I let them do... What they did to me".

"Katniss you didn't let them do anything to you", Madge says firmly while she's still crying. "That's why you've been feeling so awful, because something really awful happened to you, something that no one should have to go through".

"If you'd told us we would've done everything we could to help you", Annie says. "Before this happened, before you tried killing yourself because of what happened".

I look at her. "But Annie you did, without knowing it you helped me, you forced me to live even though I didn't feel like it", I say. "And without knowing why I felt like I felt".

"I could've helped you so much more Katniss", she whispers.

"I don't know, and neither do you", I say. "Maybe I still would've done this, I just felt like I couldn't live with all these horrible things I thought about myself, and the thought of what you all would see while looking at me if you knew".

"We would see you as the brave and strong girl we all know you are", Finnick says. "That's the way we see you Katniss, and nothing could make us see you in a different way".

Tears start flowing down my eyes again.

"Doesn't this prove that I'm not strong?" I ask. "We're in a hospital room, the aftermath of me trying to kill myself".

"Katniss you held on until this, everyone comes to a point where they just break but when you felt like you couldn't take it anymore, you should've talked to us", Gale says.

I don't know what to think about that. Peeta still has his arms around me and I can't say that I want him to take them away. Maybe our friendship is back.


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

 _Katniss_

After a week I can leave the hospital. I'm not going to school today though. I'm home. Right now I'm in my bed, headphones in my ears listening to music while staring into the wall. I still feel like I shouldn't be here. Like I should've died. I didn't tell anyone this but I got disappointed when I woke up. Knowing that I was still alive ... That I am still alive. I don't want this. I wanted to end my life because I can't stand to live with myself. I can't stand to live with what I think about myself. It's horrible. And it's hard. Why am I still here? Because Kyle and Prim found me and took me straight to the hospital. That's why. If they had been a few hours late I would have been long gone. And that would have been good.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change my opinion about myself. I'm not what the others told me. I'm a disgusting, ugly and worthless girl. I'm not beautiful strong and unique. I'm just not and frankly, it irritates me when they tell me I am. They're just lying to me so I can feel better. But I don't, because I know it's only lies.

I sigh and turn around to my other side. The side facing the window. I look out. The sun is shining. It's clearly a beautiful day today. But I couldn't feel more crappy.

I'm trying figure out how Peeta works. At the hospital he was all caring but before that he couldn't have cared less what happened to me. I came to a conclusion. He faked it. He had to fake it because everyone else were there. He had to fake it so they wouldn't think that he's just as horrible as he actually is. He has been nothing but mean and cruel to me since last summer. And now out of nowhere he just changes like that? I don't think so! I've been thinking about what to say to Peeta. Should I tell at him? Should I sound hurt? Should I sound cold? Confused? What? I don't know.

I see how a bird flies and stand on the window sill to my open window. I frown. It's really beautiful. Enchanted by its beauty I pull the cover off me and I stand up. I walk up to the window and the bird jumps up on my finger.

It flies up to my shoulder and sit right by my ear.

" _Don't ever do this to yourself again Katniss_ ".

I jump and turn around. But the door is closed. I frown. Okay I'm going insane now. I'm crazy. I'm starting to hear things.

I see something glistening on the sill. A ring. Where the hell did that come from? I look at it. I pick it up with my fingers and look more close. Wait a minute, I recognize this ring. But it's impossible. It got lost when ... When my father died. He bought it for my mom on their anniversary, the day he died.

I swallow my tears. "Dad?" I gasp in a tear drained voice.

" _You'll always have an angel to look after you_ ".

The voice. Where is it coming from? And now I recognize the voice. I haven't heard it since I was eleven.

My father.

The bird nibs on my hair. I look at it where it stands on my shoulder.

"Dad?" I gasp as I look at it.

"My precious, precious child", the voice says and I swear it comes from the bird. "I'll always protect you. How else are you alive?"

The bird takes off from my shoulder and flies in front of my face. It pecks me on my nose before it flies away.

"Dad?" I gasp again, not understanding what just happened.

I close my eyes. I pinch my arm. I open my eyes. I'm in my bed. That was a dream? I knew it. It was too good to be true. My father posing as a bird? Yeah right. My dreams keeps getting weirder.

I really miss my father. I want him so badly to be here. I want him to wrap me into his warm and comforting hugs. I want him to kiss my forehead. I want him to hold my hand. But he can never do that. I know.

I feel something in my hand. I look into my hand. I gasp and slap my other hand over my mouth. It can't be. The _ring_. The ring that dad bought mom the same day he died. For their anniversary. But... It was a dream. I see something on my cover. I pick it up. A feather. Was my dream real? Is it possible it really happened?

 _No Katniss don't be stupid_! I tell myself.

But the ring... It disappeared. And now just appeared in my hand? A feather from a bird?

Maybe... Maybe it was not a dream. But again... Is it possible that it _wasn't_ a dram?


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

 _Katniss_

The first day in school I avoid everyone's glances. People are looking at me wherever I go. I'll always gonna be the "suicide girl", in their eyes. Nothing more, nothing less. And I don't like it. I mean I guess that it's my own fault, but whatever. I do have my friends around me though, and they don't hesitate to snap at the people who's glaring at me.

I know that my friends will always have my back. At first I thought that Peeta was kind to me in a dream. You know you dream something that feels scary much alike reality and you can't really tell if it was a dream or not. But I know I'm awake now and he's being really kind to me. It feels as if I've gotten my best friend back.

Finnick won't let me out of his sight. He says that he's afraid to lose me again. When I pointed out to him that he didn't really lose me, he pointed out that he did. "When I got Prim's phone call my whole world came crashing down and I _literary_ threw up, and at the hospital when you were in a coma I felt numb and when they told me that you weren't going to wake up and they had to turn your life support off, I just didn't feel any life left in my body. Blood or not, you're my sister and I did lose you, even for a short time, but I did". I started crying like a baby when he told me this and just hugged him, feeling like a little girl, hugging her big brother. Finnick will always be my brother no matter what.

But there is something I haven't told the others. A feeling I have in my body. The feeling of irritation. Irritation over that I'm still alive. I don't wanna be alive. I mean yeah I love my friends, my family, my brother. But I can't shake the feeling of being misplaced. It really feels like I don't belong here, and that I shouldn't be here. I feel like a joke here, and I don't wanna be here. But I don't know if I can do anything about it anymore. I tried once and I didn't succeed. I could try it again, but can I really risk to not succeed again? If I try it again and not succeed, I could lose my friends. Maybe they wouldn't stick around for me one more time. But let's say I succeed. What would happen to my friends? My family? What would happen to Finnick? Would they continue life as normal? How would they arrange my funeral? This is not my place and I just know it with all my heart. Before I left the hospital, a doctor had to clear me, for me to be able to go home and not a mental hospital. After my rape, my doctor told me to go to a psychologist that he recommended. I stopped going after a while. I'm going again though, the doctor who cleard me said that its good if I do, she said that I'm not mentally unstable just because I tried to committ suicide, it means that I'm depressed and that I need help to feel better. So this feeling I have is probably from my depression, when or if I come out of my depression maybe I won't have this feeling left.

When I think of Peeta, something's happening with me. My stomach gets all bubbly, and I feel how I become nervous. I really love him. But I'm not gonna push the limits. I'm really not. First, we just became friends again, second, I'm not even sure if I wanna continue this life. This is hard. Life is hard. Is it this hard for everyone? I don't know. Probably not everyone, but a lot of people surely has a struggle, but everyone struggles with different things. My struggle is the worst I can imagine, trying to go on after being raped and tried to commit suicide after not being able to cope. For me it can't get worse, but probably for other people there are worse things.

"Katniss?!"

I jerk and look up. Annie is snapping her fingers in front of my face. "Huh?" I ask.

"The class is over", she says. "You kinda dozed off fifteen minutes in, but the teacher didn't want to force you into working".

I sigh irritated as I push my chair backwards and stand up. "I hate all this pity", I say. "I didn't try to kill myself for pity. I tried to kill myself because I hate my life". Annie's lower lip shakes. Damn. I talked without thinking. I have to _stop_ doing that. Lucky me Annie is the only one here. I look at Annie. Her red hair is set up in a bun on top of her head and her clear green eyes are now filling with tears. Horror covers her now very pale face. I sigh tired. "Annie... I'm sorry", I say and touch her arm. "I'm just... I'm so tried of being pitied with". She doesn't say anything. She just nods her head short and starts walking out of the classroom, clutching her books tightly. I grab my books and runs after her. "No Annie, wait please I'm sorry", I say as I catch up with her. I grab her arm and forces her to stop. "I didn't mean it that way".

"Than what did you mean Katniss? Because seriously, no matter how much I try, you seem to be stuck in this", she says. "And don't try to lie to me, I know you're angry over the fact that you didn't succeed, but you can at least try to make an effort to try to change your life around, I can't do that for you no matter how hard I try". Tears are flowing down her eyes. I just look at her. She sees right through me. I can't fool her. I don't know how I could think I could when I've never been able to do that. "You're my best friend Katniss, how do think it feels for see you like this? To hear you lie over and over when you say that you're okay now, you're not okay", she continues. "And I'm scared to death that you'll try to commit suicide again".

"Annie..." I try but she holds up a hand to silence me.

"Everyday I call you in the morning to make sure you're still alive", she says. "But every night before I go to sleep I worry that you might not answer my call in the morning, it's not fun to worry every single second of everyday, but until I'm sure you're not gonna try it again, I can't do anything but worry. And to hear you talk like that, it's like my fears comes true".

"Annie stop! I didn't mean it like that. I'm just tired of being pitied with", I say. "You know me, you know I hate pity". I take her hand. "Annie, you're my best friend, and I know I can't fool you, I just... What happened to me will stick with me my entire lie, it will destroy me", I continue.

"Not it you don't let it destroy you Katniss", she says.

 _Not if you don't let it destroy you_. Is she right? Is it really up to me? I don't know what to believe actually. I never know what to believe anymore. Everything just seems so complicated now. And this is honestly giving me a really bad headache.


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

 _Katniss_

It started this morning. I saw him. I almost fainted. His evil smile, his hard eyes. I felt sick to my stomach and scared like hell. I don't know how I got through this day today to be honest. But it did help to have Finnick and the others by my side.

"Katniss you have to report him to the police", Annie says.

"They won't believe me", I say.

"They will if you give them permission to look in your hospital file", Madge says.

"It's not worth it", I say bummed out, sitting down in the couch.

"Yes it is Kat", Finnick says. "It's worth it because _you're_ worth it".

I don't know what to answer at this. I don't want to say what I think about that in front of them. I did that with Annie, and that was a mistake. I don't want to upset them. So I just don't say anything instead. I don't nod my head. And I don't shake my head. I simply just sit still, not saying a word. But I think they're on to me. Being quiet is just like hiding something or admitting to something. They don't push the issue further though. They leave me be. They try to get me to talk to them about something else instead. I talk with them half hearted. I'm still disappointed about the fact that I didn't succeed with my suicided attempt. Is that wrong? I mean I did go through something really terrible, can anyone judge me? I don't know. I wouldn't judge someone and I don't think my friends would judge me, but they would be concerned.

"Okay we should definitely do something to ease the tension in this room", Finnick says suddenly. "It's making me really nervous".

That makes us two brother dear.

"Like what?" Madge asks.

"I don't know... Truth or dare?" Finnick says and a smug grin slowly starts spreading across his face.

At this point I don't really care. Normally I would've refused, but right now I just want to do something. And maybe that's why I so desperately say yes to this. Finnick tells us to sit down on the floor in a circle. So we do. Finnick is the one with the smug grin still plastered on his face, and he's the one who wants to start up the whole thing.

"Okay, so... Who should I pick? Who. Should. I. Pick...?" He says slowly and very thoughtfully. "Gale, truth or dare?"

Gale swears quietly.

"Um... Truth I guess", he says.

"Wuss", Finnick mumbles. "But okay... How many times a week do you and Madge have sex?"

Apparently after I outed both of them in my suicide letter, they realized how stupid they were and simple got together. "Finnick!" Madge shouts in a sigh with frustration and hits him on the arm.

Gale becomes awfully read in his face, and so does Madge. I just giggle. Finnick always asks embarrassing and tough questions. It's funny for everyone if you're not the target of the question.

"Nah-ah! It has to be answered because the question was asked!" He says importantly.

Madge hisses, sounding like a cat, and Gale sighs. "I guess like... Four or five, we both have siblings and we live with our parents so when we get opportunity", Gale says.

Madge is red like a tomato in her face, which she now buries in Gale's arm. Gale takes a deep embarrassed breath.

"Okay... Truth or dare Annie?" He asks.

Annie thinks about it for a second.

"Truth", she finally says.

Gale thinks for a while. Finnick is the only one who seems to have both questions and dares in store for each and everyone of us, while the rest of us has to think for a while, sometimes minutes. Gale seems to have found a question now though. "What would you like to change about Finnick?" He asks.

"Nothing", Annie says without a doubt. "I know he can be a perv sometimes but I love everything about him, especially his big heart".

Finnick strokes Annie's cheek.

"Peeta truth or dare?" Annie asks.

"Dare", Peeta says after a few seconds of thinking.

"Make a prank call to ms Trinket", she says. "Say that you got her wigs delivered to you and you spilled blueberry jam on them and that your name is Dobb Higgs, oh yeah and put on a British accent".

Everyone chuckles. Peeta takes up his phone and makes the call anonymous, and dial Effie's number, which Annie gave him. Peeta puts the phone on speaker, so we all have to be really quiet.

First beep. Second. Third...

"Hello?"

"Hello is this Effie Trinket?" Peeta asks in a very fake light voice. I didn't even knew he could make his voice this light.

"Yes this is she", Effie says in her annoying voice.

"Oh hello, my name is Dobb Higgs, and I got a package which was slightly opened, and before I saw who's package it was I'm afraid I opened the package", Peeta says.

"Oh, my package?" Effie asks.

"Yes a lot of wigs", he says.

"Oh well that's alright, you can just send them again", Effie says.

"Yeah there's a slight problem though", Peeta says. "I was eating a blueberry jam sandwich and some of it dropped on two of the wigs..."

Effie let's out a scream that almost makes us all deaf. Blueberry is almost impossible to wash off. It leaves horrible stains. She starts to chant horrible curses. Peeta hangs up and we all burst out laughing our heads off.

"Oh good old Effie", Annie says, with tears rolling down her eyes because of all the laughing.

When we've calmed down, Finnick both kindly and slyly reminds everyone that it's Peeta's turn to ask someone. Peeta suddenly becomes nervous. It looks like he wants to ask a specific question to a specific person, but doesn't know how. That's when he looks at me. "Truth or dare Katniss", he asks.

"Dare", I say, thinking maybe he won't be too mean with the dare.

He gets a pink color on his cheeks before he tells me the dare. Everyone looks intensely at Peeta. "I... I dare you to ... Kiss me", he says.

Now this took me by surprise. Kiss him? No way! Or... Yes I want to. Wait _no_ I don't! _Yes_ , yes I do. My head won't help me right now. I just walk on my knees across the circle to Peeta. I lean down and put my lips on his. As soon as our lips makes contact, my whole body starts to tingle and electricity starts spreading through my body. I feel Peeta put his hands on my waist and pull me closer as the kiss turns deeper.

I hear someone clear his throat and I pull away, feeling my cheeks flush. Finnick was the one who cleared his throat but he's not the only one with the biggest smile on his face. I quickly reach my seat again, between Finnick and Madge. I keep looking down on the floor as the game continues.

 _What the hell just happened?_


End file.
